Not Much Between Despair And Ecstasy

January 26th, 2012

I ran today for the first time in months. Runny makes me bloggy, for some reason. I expected to have to take it easy, but all the dancing I’ve been doing, and my sporadic abs and lifting, have kept my body relatively limber, my heart and lungs strong, and my muscles ready for action. It was a full 7 miler! It felt wonderful too. No walking, nice medium pace. It was raining, and I had some good songs shuffling to match. It started with ‘Everybody Knows’ by Leonard Cohen- dark and pacing. Other features were ‘Bootylicious’ by Destiny’s Child, which sounded like a black Lady Gaga, and the best- ‘One Night In Bangkok’ by Murray Head. The lyrics to it are just so fucking cool, and it’s easy to soak them in when you’re tranced out in a long run.

“One night in Bangkok and the world’s your oyster
The bars are temples but the pearls ain’t free
You’ll find a god in every golden cloister
And if you’re lucky then the god’s a she
I can feel an angel sliding up to me”

So decadent, indulgent, steaming sexuality. The reference to prostitutes as gods is something that’s been much on my mind. We could easily live in a world with multiple gods and goddesses, where there are churches that cater to the things you really believe in. And even by the Xian doctrine, God created everything, including our bodies. We should celebrate them, and each others’. Tyrion Lannister says it best: “If I could worship with my cock I’d be a very pious man.”

“One night in Bangkok makes a hard man humble
Not much between despair and ecstasy
One night in Bangkok and the tough guys tumble
Can’t be too careful with your company
I can feel the devil walking next to me”

I love its bipolar message. The lines where good and evil blur, smoky red rooms that stink of mold and sex. I imagine fights over slights, insults thrown in drunken anger, rough sex with dirty whores. Evil is a part of us, and has its place in the world. Allow Lady Gaga a moment to wax biblically:

“And as she herself split into two
Rotating in Agony between two ultimate forces
The Pendulum of Choice began its dance.
It seems easy, you imagine,
To gravitate instantly and unwaveringly towards Good.
But, she wondered,
How can I protect something so perfect
Without Evil?”

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Illuminati

January 18th, 2012

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It’s Black and I’m Lonely, Oh If I Could Only Get Some Sleep

January 16th, 2012

I’ve been terrible about updating this. Sorry, void.

I have insomnia this morning. I’ve been getting it about once a week lately. I have shitty dreams, mostly about work, the Navy, or people being mean to me. Rather than lie in bed and let the shitty vibes soak in, I prefer to get up. It doesn’t help that I really enjoy my free time lately- I have so much I like doing these days. I have Magic and Dominion cards to organize (which is more fun than it sounds), guitar to practice, Dance Central to play, keyboards to practice, fun sit down games like Skyrim to explore, comic books to read, a really good novel, fun wifeytimes, muscles thirsty for some exercise, and as always, a lot of music to absorb. So I lie there in bed and think about all this, and would rather stick it to future Tony for the sake of starting off a work day fun and productive.

My lack in updating this has been a symptom of a larger problem- feeling very alone online. For once in my life, I really like myself, and love my personal time, but every time I go online, I feel like it’s this big fucking void sucking out my soul. Everybody just seems really apathetic, entitled, and bitchy. I know you get out of it what you put in to it, to some extent, though, so here I am. I wonder along those lines, if it’s my fault. I put a hand over my avatar and read the stuff I post and wonder what I would think of such a person, were I ‘friends’ with him. I would love to friend me! I think I’m pretty fucking unique and interesting. Apparently, not everyone agrees, so fuck them. The online loneliness factor really comes into play when I post things about really specific music, and I know people I know love said band, and never respond. If someone else was posting about some obscure shit that I love like Thrill Kill Kult or Cascada or David Lynch, I would be pretty excited. Anyway, whatever. All I can do is step up my content. Like I said, I have too much going on for it to be depressing. Annoying is a better word. Thank god for Lisa and Laura, who I have so much in common with and a good involved healthy online friendship with. I love you both! (if you’re even bothering reading it you apathetic bitch!) HAHAHA

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One Life To Live

October 5th, 2011

I listened to “Chimera” by Delerium today. A beautiful album, beginning to end, with rich keyboards, synthetic orchestrations, ever-changing beats, and haunting, ethereal vocals from a variety of female vocalists. I am really slow to absorb lyrics, and finally today, after about my 50th time hearing the album, I kinda got it. I usually love powerful female vocals, for the ass-kicking, girl power perspective- it lets me meet them halfway between my masculinity and their femininity. This album really touched me today in its feminine sincerity. It was all about vulnerability, misunderstanding, loneliness, love and hope threaded all together. It was made more potent in that it came from so many women- it was like an abstraction of femininity itself. I really got in touch with my feminine side, and was empathetic in that I know the front man Bill Leeb was behind it- he produced and/or wrote every song on the album, and it is HIS band, meaning all songs, if not explicitly written by him, he takes responsibility for. Chimera is ass-kicking-childish-anger-Front-Line Bill also getting in touch with his feminine side.

I love these girly albums in their ability to let me live beyond my life. We only have one life to live- I will only ever be the me I am, but that is only if confined within the realms of applicable practicality. Through art, good art, I can listen to others’ voices and live their reality as well. I can be rich, ghetto, girly, Russian, black, half-dragon, ancient, Japanese, gay, medieval, popular, alien, or something entirely new. I have more than enough room in my mind for my own practical consciousness- the moment is both under- and over-rated. I find it powerful and enlightening to fill it with these other voices and live through their experiences.

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Crooks and Nannies

September 3rd, 2011

*click* glug glug glug…Ahhhh! You’ll never taste anything better than a post-run beer. Session Black in this case.

Today was day 2 of my refined running schedule, and I have to say the schedule remains successful. The run was longer, intense, healthy, and felt fantastic. A moderate uphill 5 miler. I ran up Des Moines Memorial Dr., which is a slight incline up the southeast side of West Seattle, eventually taking you to the airport, though 2.5 miles did not get me quite that far. The incline is enough to notice and build your hill training without killing you (unlike my thrice-damned Meyers Way run up to White Center). Knowing that you have all downhill on your return allows you to give yourself permission to really push yourself to the apex of your distance.

After being missing for 6 months, I found my beloved Shuffley! (iPod Shuffle). Lilith was the one to find it lying behind my desk, though in all fairness it was almost certainly her that knocked it down there to begin with. She loves to crawl in its crooks and nannies, and tends to knock things off my desk in the process. For some reason, its random selection was seriously Gagatastic! It helped push me along. Seriously, like 6 Lady Gaga songs in a row, new and old. I put my paws up for Born This Way, and did the Naildancing for the chorus on The Fame.

Since it’s Friday already, and I’ve only gone twice, the power of Christ compels me for Sunday. Looking forward to it though! Every run should end with you excited about the next one.

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Run for Your Life

August 31st, 2011

It’s been a while since I updated about my running. Long story short- I burned myself out. I was too focused. Unrealistically so. The idea of running 5-7 miles every day is really nice, but even in my best shape, I recognized the toll that daily running takes on your body. For me, it is not healthy, and not even remotely sustainable.

I have a ‘diet for life’ philosophy, where I make adjustments in my eating and drinking that I think I can sustain for my entire life. If I find myself gaining weight, there is something wrong with my attitude in eating and/or exercise that needs adjusting. I have never believed in fad or power diets to lose massive amounts of weight, with ‘normal eating’ resuming afterwards. I should have thought of that with my exercise. Ideal for running is 3 times a week, and never twice in a row. That, I believe, is sustainable for life, and if I keep up with it, will always keep me in relatively good shape, even if I do nothing else. Now, ideally, getting fit sometimes makes me want to get fit always, and on the off-days I wind up weight lifting and doing ab workouts. That, also, is healthy and sustainable, and is my goal for the long run. I have a lot of goals right now though, and I think starting keyboard and/or guitar lessons in the next month is vital for my personal growth. If I can commit to the thrice a week running only, I’m confident I can find the time for my music lessons in addition.

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It Takes A Wise Man To Know That He Knows Nothing

August 24th, 2011

From an outside observer, with 0 knowledge on the topic in question, and 0 knowledge on the people involved, the instant you disagree with someone, you are saying, “There is a 50% chance I am wrong.” That’s assuming one of you are actually right, and in many arguments, one of you must be right, as they are simple yes/no viewpoints. To that outside observer, you must then present information to strengthen your point and increase that percentage.

Now, take self-assessment percentages into the argument. You disagree with me, and out of respect for you, I entertain the fact that I am 50% wrong. I ask you how certain you are that you are right. You tell me, ‘oh I’m sure.’ Sure? Like 100% ‘yes, I know I’m right.’ So 100%? ‘Yes, I’m ONE HUNDRED PERCENT sure.’

Personally, I almost never will say I’m sure about anything. I will say, ’90% sure’ or ’99% sure’, unless I’m seriously dead positive. Because what if I’m wrong? It doesn’t sound serious, but it is. The ’100% sure!’ example above has happened to me many times, in heated arguments. All the more heated in that it happened most frequently in my hot-headed 20s. Do you know how stupid you look when you argue with someone with 100% certainty, and then get proven wrong? What I would do, to ‘improve’ the poor soul after, is tell him immediately after to remember this, and know that it removes almost all power of argument from him in the future. Then, for months or even years in the future, I would remind him of that time that he was 100% sure, and wrong.

The only way you can be 100% sure on a topic and wrong is if you were lied to, and in that case, that requires 100% faith in the source, which is philosophically impossible. A source, any source, can always be wrong. Even your own senses can, but in this case I ignore that possibility. I’ll allow you to be 100% certain in your own senses, or the basis of communication as a whole dissolves. Saying that, you can be 100% certain of something if you personally witnessed/experienced it.

This philosophy worked very much against me in Nuclear Power School. You are required to give ‘checkouts’ where you went into a room with an instructor and he quizzed you on some topic. I would often guess at certain questions, and wind up being right, but they would always kick me out after they could tell I was guessing and asked, ‘are you sure?’ I had to have a long talk with my mentor or whatever the fuck they were called and he, exasperated, told me to lie. “Just say yes whenever they ask if you’re sure.” I then asked him, “Do you know how stupid you look when you say that and are wrong?” Painful.

“Unfaltering admission of uncertainty means you can never be wrong.”- Codex of the Wyrm

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The Running Man

August 2nd, 2011

I’ve run every day since my last post except 3 days, with those three still having cardio- Your Shape for the kinect one day (which is actually much harder than my runs), and biking the other two.

It’s been inspiring to read a runner’s blog: http://drunkdiet.com/. I have a lot in common with Luc Carl. Drinking, running, rocking, and Lady Gaga. He was talking about interval training a few days ago, and I’ve been working on that. I commented on his post that I use songs, rather than measured distances, to demarcate my sprints. High gear today was a Paparazzi remix and Bad Romance by Lady Gaga, and the last song of the run, Panic Switch by Silversun Pickups. It was also hill training, which I haven’t done in quite some weeks. I run up the steep-ass Myer’s Way onramp/offramp up to White Center. Fucking brutal. I have never, in any shape, been able to make it up without walking some, and today was certainly no exception.

I found the elusive White Center public bathroom/water fountain! That makes a huge difference. I will be able to run that route much more in the summer now that I know just how to get there. Plus, it’s right at the Apex of a good run, so it’s a perfect turnaround point.

The distance today was about 5 miles uphill, which is about as intense as my normal 7 mile flat run. Also, I did a full ab workout and 75 pushups before hand, and I’m riding my bike to and from work every day, which makes for great cross-training, working out supporting muscles. I’ve been going at it strong, and it feels good! I’ll keep it up. Key in consistency is not allowing myself to take a break on weekends- taking 2 days off kills the whole fitness mentality, and spreads further and further into the week. Unplanned breaks will happen on busy days, and I can just leave those be.

My goal for the next hill run will be less walking. I can tell this hill training is especially good for myself in particular, because I’m a big guy for a runner. I need my legs to be disproportionally strong to perform like the wiry ones.

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Paws Up

July 29th, 2011

I promised myself that no matter where I was or what I was doing, whenever I heard Lady Gaga say, ‘Put your paws up,’ I would do so. It’s made for some amusing moments in life.

I had a vivid dream last night, where I was back in high school. I was really shy, and just trying not to get noticed and do my work and be left alone (just like I was back then). The loudspeakers announced an important message, then started playing Born This Way (I remember it sounding crystal clear in my dream). When Lady Gaga bade me to put my paws up in the song, I let out a long, fearful sigh, then did so, nice and high. The class all started staring at me. I felt embarrassed beyond belief. Then…one by one, they all did the same, to my surprise.

It was a weirdly symbolic dream.

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Weight For It…

July 27th, 2011

I stepped on the scale last Saturday and found myself to be back above 220.

UNACCEPTABLE!

So I usually never workout on the weekends, but Sunday I did. And I have every day since. Just a month ago I was down to 205! Right now I think I’m about 213, which is much better, but still…seriously, I needed a priority reform.

I also did Your Shape the other day, my Kinect workout game, which just fucking kills me. I am ridiculously sore from the calisthenics they put you through. I just stretched out a bit, which helps, but I know the best thing will be to swallow the pain and hit the pavement here when I’m done syncing my phone.

Also, on Sunday, I did Yoga for the first time. It didn’t stretch me out as much as I hoped, but I could see how it could be very relaxing.

I’ll keep this shit up, though- my primary goal is to comfortably fit in all my 34s by the end of the year. Tentative goal is to look good in certain Halloween costumes, but that will take a weight loss of at least 15 pounds in the next 2 months. Not at all impossible, but unlikely.

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